the power is in the edges... don't cut them off

"The Power Is In the Edges … Don't cut them off…" ~ An amazing quote from our Key Leader, Bill Howell when we were discussing my testimony during my interview.


I guess you could say that my life began as most kid's … Mom and Dad together.. The youngest of 3.. Mom took us to Church every Sunday and that's the way I remember things.. My parents did their best to teach us the difference between right and wrong and how to go about life.

We attended Church and youth groups and all the normal things.. I can remember the Bible putting me to sleep.. not paying any attention during services and trying to find the best way and place to nap thru them.

Just prior to my teenage years, Church was no longer a requirement in my house.. and I took full advantage of it. Totally and completely walking away from God. I didn't want to hear it. Didn't want to listen to people "Bible Thumping" as I loved to put it or telling me that I needed to do this thing or that thing or anything different from what I was doing.

Through my high school years I guess you could say that I didn't get into much "trouble" per se. But I clearly remember the feelings running through me. There was a deep pain and ache in my heart. One I didn't know how to deal with, one I didn't understand.

I began my adult life in full on rebellion. Moved out of my parents house right into my boyfriend's… bright idea that was.. Then came drinking.. and lots of it.. experimenting with a few drugs of choice.. just plain going out and getting crazy every night.. there was a series of tumultuous and volitile relationships that took place.. poor decision making into and throughout my adult life.

I settled down a bit into my early 20's ~ of course I was legal by this time so it wasn't as much fun to go out drinking anymore. I stopped paying around with drugs completely and cut way back on my alcohol consumption.

My "love" life was still completely in shambles. But, I met a boy and fell in love. 2 years later we were married. Now when I'm asked "why I got married in the first place" my response is that it just seemed like the next logical step. Forget the fact that we were two broken hearted people trying to come together to make one whole heart. That combined with the complete lack of foundation lead to my marriage ending just shy of 3 years.

I had become a statistic.
I had become a statistic in more ways than I can even begin to share.
My life began to spiral downward even faster than I can even begin to wrap my brain around.

Several extremely poor choices led me to the night of Super Bowl Sunday 2006.

I was alone in my apartment.

I was smothered by the feeling of loosing all control.
I never felt more alone in my life and I don't think I had even been more alone.
I felt like there was no where to go.
No one to turn to.
My life was in wreckage.
I had done things I could never make right.
I had hurt people beyond my repair.
I had cost the world too much.
I had been the cause of too much pain.

I can only remember the dark feeling as I was lying curled up in my bed sobbing uncontrollably. The thought that kept swirling around in my head was that there was a razor sitting on the end of my bathtub and that the world would be a much better place without me in it.

Sobbing and crying I just kept repeating almost to myself..
"GOD PLEASE!"
"GOD PLEASE!!!"
And, thinking about my dogs and that if I took my life they would be there in Ocala.. no one would know that I was gone. No one would be there to come and take care of them.
I kept thinking t "if I can just sleep for a few hours" it will be better then.
The battle raged inside my own head. At some point I must have just become exhausted and fallen asleep.

At 4 o'clock in the morning I startled myself waking up and looking at the clock. I felt a sense of urgency that I'd never felt in my life. I had to get out of that apartment and I had to do it now!

I got dressed, packed a few things, put my dogs in the car and headed to Orlando. The sun was barely up when I went into my friend's house that morning to ask for help. I got to rest for a little while before going to my parents house and having to tell them what had been going on.

By the end of that week, my parents and I returned to Ocala packed up everything I owned and I came back home to begin the process of putting my life back together again.

Through a friend I ended up meeting with a Pastor. A Pastor that was unlike any I had met before. One who would listen without thumping his bible at me or criticizing the choices I had made. One that wasn't going to tell me how wrong I was for everything I did. I most certainly had been telling myself that already and likely much worse. One that truly cared.

During one of our first conversations he asked me if I was thinking about going back to church. My response to him was "umm I guess ". He kind of laughed and said that I was welcome at his church and that they would love to have me but, if I didn't like it or it wasn't for me that his feelings wouldn't be hurt and he would recommend some others for me to check out.

That's what sealed the deal.

For the first time in my life I experienced God's love for me. Though I didn't understand it at the time. Someone stepped outside of themselves and their own motives and thought of what was best for me before they considered themselves.

February 19th 2006 was the first day I attended his church. At the end of the service I became a Christian.

I thought it would have been hard a hard decision or that I would have been embarrassed to walk down that aisle in front of a whole church full of people but it wasn't. Some sort of cross between desperation, exhaustion and walking into a room full of people without being judged when at a time in my life when I knew that was exactly the judgment I truly deserved made it easy to walk down that aisle.

I took that step forward and I guess you could say I've never looked back.

One of the most incredible things that happened in my life since that day was how quickly God was able to put my heart back together again. I walked around for 25 years with a broken heart and I didn't even know it. I didn't know what was wrong with me until it was made right.

The past 2 years have been a process for me.

A series of being broken down and getting put back together again.

Lessons in vulnerablilityand learining that broken and vulnerable is ok.
Ive learned about love; how to love others and equally as important how to accept the love of God and other people; I've learned that I am worthy of being loved and that it is something that belongs in my life.

So much healing has taken place. There were days in the first few months of being a Christian that I almost felt guilty for having a smile on my face after everything I'd done. I had finally able to forgive others and especially forgive myself.

I have been able to experience joy in its purest form and in ways that words could never describe.

My testimony is now not a life full of regret, but in lessons and mistakes that have been made beautiful. They have been used to teach and to encourage others in ways that cannot be measured.

In a tearful moment I was able to utter words that I never thought possible to some very important people. Those words were "that if this is what it took and all of the pain I have ever felt in my entire helped one person it had all been worth it."

Those words were made true in that moment.

30 Days

well..
It's been 30 days..
30 days since I've made a pretty huge decision about that bigger dream I've been dreaming..

over the summer while I was in europe, i had an interview with the organization that i was traveling with. my trip ended up being something that closely resembled a 2 week job interview. before i left europe, the Short-Term Missions Director unofficially offered me the position.

to be honest with you, it took quite some time for me to be able to really consider something like that.. i mean we're talking about me picking up and living somewhere half way around the PLANET for a few years...

so! after 3 long months of praying and thinking and thinking and praying... i finally got an answer and a green light for me to go!! i emailed my now future boss, kev and committed myself to 2 years with this organization. I have accepted the position as Short - Term Missions recruiter.

What do this mean?
This means that I am going to be in England for the next 2 years recruiter teams from Churches, schools etc to go on mission throughout eastern europe. Oh, and did I mention that al of this happens after I raise support? yep! Full fledged missionary. This is so big and so crazy, much like everything else that God has done in my life. It's seems the impossible but I know that I know this is the next step for me!!! I am super excited and feel incredibly privileged that I have such an amazing opportunity to minster to people all across the world!!!

2 weekends ago officially started my process to raise money.. with the help of my amazing friends, i held a garage sale bright and early!.. it was all very odd the friday night before sorting through all of the things I've accumulated in my life.. trying to decide what i can bear to part with.. I've gotta say, I'm pretty darn proud of myself for the amount of shoes i got rid of!!.. and I'm a little ashamed of the number of shoes I still have :) .. but the time will come to part with those too I'm sure.. the sale went extremely well.. and now i have a few bucks to start everything with..

My new future Boss has a trip planned to Florida coming up and January and I'm really looking forward to being able to sit down with him again! I'm now in the process of planning an event for some leaders and small business owners in the area that Kev will be a part of.

Needless to say, I need every prayer as well as every penny I can get!!
If you have any questions, interest, money you would like to share, ideas, names of people who mind not mind getting a letter or phone call from a future missionary, encouragement ... oh! and jokes, i like jokes too!! I'll take em'...